Losing Your Best Friend

As the year comes to a close, I’ll be leaving a best friend behind in 2024. This year is where our paths split, and that’s been terribly sad to come to terms with.  But even in the sadness, I’m deeply grateful for the years we shared. A friendship like ours is once in a lifetime, and I’ll always carry it with me.

For the rest of our lives, every story, joy, achievement, and hardship will no longer be shared between us. We’ve gone from knowing every part of each other’s lives to nothing at all. That kind of change has left a profound emptiness.

I’ve grieved deeply, and continue to, wishing things could be different. Wishing I had done so many things differently. Wishing for just one more lazy afternoon to talk again.

They taught me more about myself than anyone ever has: who I was, who I am, and who I can be. For that, I’ll always be thankful. Their friendship and love helped me see myself in a new light. I am an immensely better person because I had their love and presence in my life.

We spoke for hours every day. We helped each other through hard and overwhelming moments. We shared music, movies, everything. We were so alike, we had the “same brain.” They were endlessly kind and encouraging, especially when I couldn’t offer myself that same kindness.

They’re likely the smartest friend I’ve had, but I’ll remember them most for their incredible kindness, compassion, and generosity.

I wish it wasn’t over. I think about all the lessons I won’t learn from them in 2025 and beyond. How much better future Alex could be if I still had them by my side.

I regret taking their support and kindness for granted, assuming it would always be there. It’s a mistake I’ll never make again.

We both carried the heavy weight of abusive and neglectful childhoods that left us hurt and scared, even as adults. We bonded over this, too. They showed me a way forward. Now, it’s up to me to walk that path, even if I have to do it alone.

We’re each on our paths of healing, both putting in the work, and we’ll both be okay.

I hope they’re also a better person for having known me, though I fear I took more than I gave. I wish I had the rest of my life to make it up to them.

They were a bonfire of friendship, love, and encouragement. Love that I couldn’t give to myself. In their absence, I’ve felt coldness and darkness towards myself, engulfed and pulled down by self-hatred.

Coping with this loss has been a deeply painful grieving process.

I wanted to rush right to acceptance, but grief demanded I first go through denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. I’ve learned that acceptance isn’t a destination, but a side effect of letting myself fully grieve. I’ll get there eventually, but I still have a lot to grieve.

Through all this grieving, I had a realization.

My friend is gone, but their love isn’t. I carry it within me. The Alex they loved is still here. Just as my grandparents’ love lives on in me, their friendship and love will always be a part of who I am.

Now I can choose to live my life in a way honors them. I can spread their love and kindness in my own way. I can create the life they’d want for me, because I deserve it.

When I’m facing challenges, I can imagine their voice, their words of encouragement, and give myself that same pep talk.

I get to make my own fire to keep myself warm. The love they once showed my inner child and my true self - is love I can now provide for myself. They showed me how. They showed me that I was worthy of caring, kindness, friendship, and love from someone truly special. I still am. It makes me sad to know that if I had this self-love and self-acceptance already, they’d still be in my life. I can’t change the past, but I’m already so much better than I was a year ago, and I’ll continue to grow.

Memories that now bring heartache will, in time, bring a warm smile. I’m grateful for each and every one. Those memories are my most cherished possessions, and I’ll carry them always.

I’ve started reframing things to accept reality.

Instead of thinking, “I wish I could still talk to them,” I can remind myself, “I carry their voice and lessons within me. They shaped me, and their presence lives on in how I live my life.”

Instead of “I wish they were in my life,” I can say, “They were there when I needed them most, and I’m so grateful for everything we shared. I can honor that love by creating a life they’d be proud of.”

It feels unbearable to have to write this here, rather than reaching out to you again. But I know that’s what you need. It sounds backwards, but I won’t reach out to you because I love you.

We’re both good people who deserve love, friendship, and joy. We’ll find others who see the best in us.

But what we had was so special and unique, and I know I’ll never find anything like it again. Still, I’m glad I had it for as long as I did.

If you’re lucky enough to have someone like this in your life, never let them go.

Friend, I so deeply hope that our paths cross again soon. I will always, always be open to your call. I’d hop on a flight today. We’ll have so much to share, so much to teach, and as always, so much to laugh about. I’ll love and miss you always.

And if I don’t see you in this life, then I’ll find you in the next one.